...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
