My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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