Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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