walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
