Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
