So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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