So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
