the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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