I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
