dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
