so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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