a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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