I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
