we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
