my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I need to calm my uterus...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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