Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
