I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Floor bacon is actually really good
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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