the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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