Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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