why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You pole danced in your parka.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
