I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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