My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
