my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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