Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
