i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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