I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
