when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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