Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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