Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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