Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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