We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
