home. puking in laundry basket.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
