I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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