Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
whose parrot is this?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
