Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
