Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
zippers are such a cool invention
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
