The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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