woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
