Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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