I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
