I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
