I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
