If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
