was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
