Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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