I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
