i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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