Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
