Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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