I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
